Re-Raising Your Inner Child©
Self-Mastery Exercise # 33: Re-raising Your Inner Child
By Sharmai Amber with Keith Amber
Excerpt taken from Steps to Enlightenment ©
For Accurate, Pertinent Information regarding Your Own Inner Child and how she or he is negatively effecting the relationships of your life, get a Psychic Reading With Keith Amber
One of the main reasons people pull on others for their self-worth, acceptance, and well-being comes from their unresolved inner child issues. Inner child issues can often also be recognized from narcissistic patterns, an inability to blend socially, intimacy problems, relationship issues, neediness, certain inabilities to function in daily life, and immaturity. Unresolved past life issues usually carry over into the inner child issues of the next lifetime.
An inner child comes from a time, and sometimes multiple times, in your childhood when something you perceive as traumatic occurs and you feel unable to cope. At that moment, you leave a part of your ego structure and personality behind, numbed out, as the rest of you grows up. The part left behind becomes your subconscious inner child with dysfunctional issues. As an adult, it is your responsibility to retrieve these parts, and wholesomely, effectively, re-raise them to become integrated, functional, and whole once again. In your subconscious realms, when your inner child runs amok, it often causes you to try to get your well-being from others. On a worldwide scale, inner child issues cause millions upon millions of relationship problems. Until we become conscious of these parts, and re-raise them, they can subconsciously influence and even dictate parts of our lives. If we die having not re-raised into wholeness our inner children, these incomplete fragments will follow us to be dealt with in our next lifetime. See Self-Mastery Exercise # 33: Re-raising Your Inner Child at the end of this chapter for specific suggestions on how to work with your inner child.
An inner child comes from a time, and sometimes multiple times, in your childhood when something you perceive as traumatic occurs and you feel unable to cope.
Are You Whole?
You will know you are whole when you can stand in the middle of nowhere, with everyone in your life gone, completely at peace. In this state of being, there is nothing or no one that you need in order to feel whole and complete. To find out if you are this whole and complete, imagine yourself for a moment losing your: spouse, children, partner, friend, pet, parent, sibling, soul mate, or other relative. As you imagine this loss, notice if you find that you would be able to efficiently and effectively adjust yourself, grieve if you need to, and then functionally move on, or would you be slammed, wounded, or incapacitated by this loss? We are not suggesting that you don't care or love one another. Rather, this process reveals possible dependencies, neediness, and a lack of your own whole, independent, functioning identity.
When you find an area in yourself where you react severely at the thought of permanently losing someone close, or a pet, you have found a hole in yourself. This type of hole usually reveals your inner child's need to be healed and transformed, a necessary step to wholeness and unconditional well-being. When you die with strong attachments such as these, you can get trapped in the astral plane: a self-induced state of purgatory.
Relationship attachments can keep you from being whole, balanced, and healthy unto yourself. The healthiest relationships are based on two whole people who respect, love, and honor each other as independent people who, while they love each other, are able to stand alone in peace and wholeness. Enlightened people have worked through all their attachments, including relationship attachments, and are poised to let go of anyone or anything upon request. They have learned that the distance they progressed in inner growth is really what is important, and in the end, is the ONLY thing that goes with them when they die. The idea of dying is peaceful and they have no regrets, no unfinished business.
Enlightened people often love many people, yet they are attached to none. Death is not an end, but a continuation on another dimension. There is not necessarily an expectation that their current relationships will continue on the other side. Many souls, when they are done with their current life, will not be together in spirit. Their souls come from different places, and to different places they will usually return. And though they will henceforth always know the soul they shared an earth life with, there may never be another lifetime together in the future.
Your Inner Child is so called, because underneath almost all relationship problems are the issues that still stem from old childhood issues unresolved within you. Soul mates come into the equation because so many people are looking for their "perfect soulmate," when what they really need to be doing is tending to their own inner child. These inner child issues are some of the most pervasive issues that people avoid dealing with. They run underneath many, many problems, and never get properly transformed.
Some humans are obsessed with finding their soul mates. They believe a relationship with a soul mate will be easy, romantic, magical, and naturally aligned. Many also think that they have only one perfect soul mate. They think they need their soul mate to complete themselves: the one that they can be whole with. A great emphasis has been placed on soul mates, and people have a misguided ideal of what one actually is. Here is a great story about soul mates.
I contracted with my mother to have her keep me from reaching my higher destiny. She was a formidable, intelligent woman who was tough to get past. She judged all things spiritual, metaphysical, and mystical—my very lifeblood—as evil, and did everything in her power to stop me from touching those worlds as a teenager. I chose such a contract because the challenge would qualify and prepare me for the difficult circumstances to come after I had left my family home.
My mother, brother, and I shared a past life during the Roman times. My mother was my brother's and my boss as Roman Gladiators. My brother and mother, in that lifetime, had a strong bond together and shared the same unenlightened views. In a life and death battle between my brother and myself, I was victorious. His hateful dying words expressed his promise to get revenge. He brought this promise forward into this lifetime. Our relationship in this lifetime has most certainly reflected this rift from an early age. In the final hours of my Roman lifetime, I shifted and became more enlightened, and I brought that consciousness forward to this lifetime. This allowed me to gain my freedom from the bonds of the rift that my brother still carries in his heart. Both my brother and mother are my soul mates.
Defining Soul Mate Connections
Soul Mates come in many forms from siblings, to our children, to our parents, to our spouses, to our friends, or co-workers. The relationships range from healthy to unhealthy. No soul mate is ever intended to take the place of another's own well-being and wholeness. Soul mates are souls that are here for us to work out our life lessons with and we have shared many past lives with them as well. Here is a list of soul connections on earth, beginning in their broadest form:
- Souls—we each have many souls that we interweave with over the course of many lifetimes to experience life and learn our lessons with. Souls in this group might be found at work, in church, and in other broad groups.
- Soul mates—there are fewer soul mates and they are found more as family members, friends, and sometimes co-workers. These will be more familiar.
- Twin souls will be more profound relationships and there will be far fewer of them. These usually come together to work out major lessons, like disabilities or illnesses, or to accomplish something significant together.
- Twin flames are an individually contracted agreement. Your soul contracts with one twin flame at a time. Two souls will agree to come together for a specific period of time to teach each other specific lessons. They usually share a specific number of lifetimes in a variety of different relationships until the contract and growth phase is complete and the twin flame connection dissolves.
- Perfectly complimentary souls are two souls who share the same personality traits in perfect balance. Any given soul has one or two perfectly complimentary souls in the entire universe, and finding one's complimentary soul is astronomically difficult. Perfectly complimentary souls rarely come together on earth, and then only when they have a huge job to do where it will take their perfect and total alignment to accomplish their service-oriented humanitarian mission. Perfectly complimentary souls either spark one another upwards or downwards, and there is no in between. Their relationship will be either really good or really bad.
- Two halves of a whole, is the highest individual soul connection found on earth, and is even rarer than perfectly complimentary souls. Each soul has only one other half. The risk with two halves of a whole joining is that being together is so fun and fulfilling that these souls often collapse into one another and accomplish very little in spite of the great synergy constantly being catalyzed by being in each others presence. Two halves of a whole are the male and female counterpart of one soul.
Soul Mates come in many forms from siblings, to our children, to our parents, to our spouses, to our friends, or co-workers.
Marriage versus Divorce
Too often humans want their soul mates, from whichever level, to complete them rather than completing themselves. When a soul has lessons of loneliness, it would be more productive to get at peace with being alone.
In other words develop a relationship with yourself, rather than trying to find someone to fill that void within you. It's you that is missing in there, not someone else.
When it no longer matters whether you are alone or not, then the time is ripe to consider a relationship. Soul connections on all levels are designed to facilitate our lessons. Many people want perfect relationships without putting the time and energy into working out inherent lessons. They think that finding the right person can take the place of doing the work required to keep the relationship working right. I have heard many couples who have been together for 30 or more years comment that any good relationship takes work.
The relationship between Keith and myself was certainly no different, and required a dedication to maturely choosing personal growth to facilitate alignment and wise progression. A good marriage is worth it many times over. Many couples are meant to stay together and work out their differences, choosing to learn their lessons rather than running away from the difficulties and getting divorced. Often with a premature divorce, the same conditions and problems show up in the next relationship because the lessons were not learned in the first marriage. On the flip side, there are couples who are contracted to be married for a specific period of time so each can learn certain lessons and then get divorced. In these contracted situations, after a certain point, staying together becomes very counterproductive. Staying married or getting divorced are tricky questions with no simple formula that applies to everyone. Marriage and divorce is written into our prebirth contracts.
Some people believe love to be when you feel you cannot live without another. This is actually dependency, and is not healthy. However, some relationships start out this way to get two individuals hooked enough on each other so they will stay together and then learn their lessons. When a person is whole, they feel complete by themselves. I remember the dependency I had with my first husband. I believed I needed to physically connect with him, even if it was just touching toes for several minutes, to feel secure. I discovered this one night when I was brooding outside alone, missing him. Suddenly, like a thunderbolt, I realized that I was in the habit of sucking energy off my husband. I believed my well-being came from the energy I sucked off him. I was an energy vampire. I was totally disgusted with myself for engaging in such behavior. It was at that moment of realization that Lady Commander Athena, one of the guides who was available to me at the time, came to speak to me telepathically.
Some people believe love to be when you feel you cannot live without another.
"You are addicted to David's energy," she said. "Yes, I see that now," I replied. "We will patch the hole in your aura that causes you to do this behavior under one condition," Athena offered.
I knew at the time that she was offering me a great gift and there would be a steep price to pay for the gift. "What is the condition," I braved. "That you never suck energy off of David again," Athena began. "That if you do suck energy off of David even once, the hole will no longer be patched, and you will have to seal the hole up yourself. Do you agree to these terms?" I agreed.
Athena then instructed me to go to bed and sleep. A team of ethereal surgeons would arrive and seal the hole. I actually felt the surgeons arrive, and I felt an unusual drowsiness come over me. In the morning, I could feel a difference. I was more whole and complete unto myself. In that moment, I did not feel a need for an energy fix. It was hours later that I began to feel a need for a secure hook-up with my husband. Before when I took energy from him it made me feel safe, wanted, and important. My self-worth came from the fact that I was in a relationship with him rather than in a relationship with myself. In essence, I was making it my husband's job to ensure my well-being and self-worth by providing me his own life-force at my beck and call. But now, as the need mounted in my system, I remembered my agreement with Lady Commander Athena. I knew that, even as difficult as it seemed at this moment to resist sucking energy off David again, it would be even harder if the seal that the surgeons had provided was shattered. I engaged my willpower. I refused to give into the need to suck his energy. This battle would surface many times over the next month or so, getting slightly less each time, until finally I no longer wanted to suck energy off David. The disgust I felt over my behavior fueled my ability to resist ever sucking energy again from anyone.
I realized that the surgery was actually the beginning of my wholeness. We can suck energy or well-being off another for our entire life and never feel whole. We each have our own energy signature that we must provide ourselves. No one else can do this for us. One time Keith and I were working with a client who sucked the energy off anyone in her presence. She sought others to provide her self-worth. For one week she voraciously sucked the energy off me (I was paying karma for the time when I used to do the same thing). When I was totally depleted, I pointed out to her that I had no more to give to her, yet she herself was still not full. We can never get our sustained well-being from others. When we pull on others to give us well-being and wholeness we deplete them, undermine ourselves and produce no lasting benefit to ourselves.
Successfully re-raising your inner child for most people requires a total commitment, day in and day out, for at least six months. We are conditioned from childhood to neglect ourselves in certain ways. To change this ongoing subconscious programming, you must devote yourself to being in touch with, taking care of, and transforming your stuck psychological tape recording of your dysfunctional childhood. For many, this unending underlying dysfunction never seems to change, and can be very defeating, debilitating, and depressing. However, no matter how many techniques or how much effort you put into transforming your dysfunctional behavior, if you don't sufficiently access and transform your inner child programming, you can't fully walk out of the old pattern into a new, freed, and wonderful life.
The following "I love you" technique can be done as a stand-alone shortcut to re-raising the inner child, and will work by itself if it is done right and consistently for a minimum of six months. Every additional month you devote to this technique will give you even more long wished for behavioral improvements. If you find this technique is not working, there are additional suggestions listed below.
- Consciously separate yourself into two parts:
- Your seasoned, tough, mature, survivor adult parent self (adult)
- Your fragile, precious, vulnerable, personal, emotional, inner dialogue, inner child self (child)
- Your seasoned, tough, mature, survivor adult parent self (adult)
- Your adult self then takes care of your child self. Your adult stops your outer, confusing world, takes a lovely refreshing breath, centers and says, "I love you," to the child with feeling and total sincerity. Your adult insists that love gets to the child part. No matter what it takes, your adult will secure this love for this precious inner you. Through this process, the adult must assess both the inner child and the adult if they now experience being wante...cared for... loved... looked after... prized... protected... and respected. The adult part ensures that the inner child knows that you are partners in this together and you, the adult, will make sure everything works out okay.
- The inner child now has a participating, mature parent and best friend—you, the adult you, and no longer looks to get these needs filled by someone outside your selves.
- Repeat this process five to ten times a day. More is better.
When the "adult you" successfully gets this relationship rolling with your most vulnerable, confused, unloved, or dysfunctional inner child parts, these child parts can be transformed into mature self-loved, balanced, and well-functioning inner parts. As your inner world becomes balanced, whole, and fulfilled, your outer world follows suit naturally. Life mirrors what's going on in the inner you. Your life will dramatically improve.
At first, many inner children are autistic-like, or rejecting of the adult's attempts at loving it. However, with consistent applied focus and effort, you can find ways into that wounded inner child part. Eventually you can prove to be a reliable best friend. Once this is established, the inner child gradually grows up and, if you follow through with this process long enough (most people stop too soon), the child becomes you. Then you have reached at-one-ment. Here your inner child melts back into the adult self and you are both one.
Because you have taken an enormous amount of time to make sure that all of you is okay and cared for, you have taught your inner child and soul that you are worth it, and that you will do whatever it takes to make sure your well-being is taken care of first. This puts you in top form for taking care of whatever other responsibilities you have in your life as well. From this space, all other aspects of your relationships and intimacy can quantum forward successfully. Through this process you will notice positive changes in yourself and new talents or paths begin to grow. Your core well-being is no longer in deficit, and those needed missing ingredients from your inner child are now healed, united with your adult self and flourishing.
Critical Strategies to grow up your Inner Child:
- Consistent application of strategies and love. As children become exposed to anything consistently, they grow to believe that this is how it is, they become imprinted by it, and they bond their beliefs, dysfunctional or not, to that reality (or fantasy).
- That love is effectively connected to your inner child consistently, and your inner child is clear that he/she is loved. With this support, the child has incentive to keep evolving and growing up like any other healthy, wholesome child would.
- Daily communication, interaction, and playing. This gives your inner child the family structure and hands on inner action to naturally grow up and be normal (comfortable with his/her self, others and life).
As problems come up, your adult's job is to check in on your inner child, find out if everything is okay and see to it that your inner child gets its needs met.
Additional tools that facilitate a good connection with your inner child include:
- Ice cream, or any enticing food or drink that soothes your inner child. This brings the inner child out so you can connect with them and they can become better functioning in this world.
- Draw with your non-dominate hand, and invite your inner child to continue. Observe his or her subtle moods or thoughts while painting or drawing, and also notice what the picture conveys. Talk about it with your inner child and get to be friends. Be compassionate, not judgmental.
- Play. Remember, or figure out, what is fun for your inner child and go do it often.
- First thing upon waking, and last thing before you go to sleep, check up on your inner child. Ask them if they have something they would like to do that day and try, within reason, to facilitate it. Find out if they had a good day, and if not, what you can do to help the situation.
- Sometimes you need to pretend or imagine that your conversations with your inner child are real, until they become real. Other times, your inner child is very real and present. Don't drop the ball. Your inner child needs your consistent support.
Excerpt taken from Steps to Enlightenment ©